Relationships

My Husband Can’t Have Female Friends

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Alright, so the latest “relationship etiquette” uproar that has caught my attention is Jordin Sparks’ comments regarding her husband Dana Isaiah Thomas and his female best friend.

After folks started going ham in Dana’s comments, this is what Jordin had to say:

“Here’s a message: if your significant other is making you cut off your really good, stand up, been there since forever friends, male or female…GET OUT. (Not talking about the friends that are toxic/frenemies, that’s a problem and should be addressed.) That’s controlling/toxic and people are NOT objects you own. Again, people are NOT OBJECTS YOU OWN. Friends are super important for your well-being especially those that knew you before certain huge life changes happen. It’s HEALTHY. I hope you all find someone that treats you like my husband and his friends do. They are truly the best. May the odds be ever in your favor.”

For the most part, I agree with Jordin. Everything she stated sounds “HEALTHY”, as she made a point of capitalizing. From what I gather, she has a great relationship with her husband’s friends and vice versa. When I think of marriage, I automatically think of the word “union”.

Definition of union

 (Entry 1 of 2)1a: an act or instance of uniting or joining two or more things into one: such as (2): a uniting in marriage.

Marriage is a concept that is very spiritual, and sacred to me. When joining your life to another’s, you’re essentially inheriting a lot of that person’s “stuff”. Whether its material stuff, family members, debt, or friends, at some point the worlds intertwine. You truly switch languages and trade an “I” for a “we”. I have been told that I view relationships/marriage through a Disney+ lens but that we really live in a BET Uncut world. I can’t help it, I really and truly value marriage, family, and legacy building. I definitely believe that it is necessary to have wise friends/counsel outside of your spouse, whether they are male or female. But there DEFFFFFINITELY need to be healthy BOUNDARIES. If my husband has female best friends that he knew before me, my expectation is that I have an opportunity to be familiar with them as well. However, the same applies to his male friends.

While I do believe that it is possible to have a platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex (I’ve done it with ease), I have seen the word “friend” misused and abused in the context of a relationship. First and foremost, I think it’s important for both parties in a relationship to have a common understanding of what they each consider to be a “friend”. If you as my man tell me that you have at some point slept with, kissed or crossed any physical lines with all of your female friends, that is major cause for concern. If you as my man tell me you cannot introduce me to your female friends, that’s another pause. If you as my man tell me that your female best friend (who you have not introduced me to) is who you turn to when we’re having problems, THAT is a problem! Necessary boundaries go beyond sex. In my mind, a man creating emotional intimacy with someone outside of his partner is extremely dangerous. Many men can sling their ding dongs with a slew of women as far as the east is from the west, and it not mean a thing (yet and still unacceptable). But once a man starts confiding in a woman that is not his woman, he’s charting perilous territory. At the end of the day, what works for one isn’t going to work for all. Personally, I don’t have a problem with my significant other having friends of the opposite sex, I just wanna know them too. I have no issue with offering the same common courtesy in return. It’s not about control so much as it is about establishing some sense of sanctity with the person you’re with. I think it’s fair to want to know who your mate’s friends are, but it is most important to be with someone who is loyal, trustworthy, respects you, the relationship you share, and who is able to exercise self-control in any given situation. I’m curious to know what your thoughts are. Let me know with a comment below!

6 Comments

  1. Ericka

    December 4, 2019 at 8:28 AM

    So I agree you should never make your spouse cut off a really good friend especially if they been around before u came into the picture as long as it’s a healthy relationship and all of u can be good friends I don’t see a problem with that if you don’t trust their friendship than why marry them
    Cash app is $ririh83

  2. Te'Anna

    December 4, 2019 at 12:00 PM

    I’m Te’Anna and I approve this good definition and word. I agree with Jordin Sparks. I am not married but when you and your significant other become a unit, having friends of the opposite sex shouldn’t be a problem unless as Aggie mentioned, i am not allowed to meet you or something has transpired between the two. This goes for dating exclusively as well.

  3. Kadija Raddar

    December 4, 2019 at 10:23 PM

    Interesting read, respect each others space & be grown about it. Things will of course change because a person has went from single to married. So of course having your male/female friend call 2 or 3am in the morning just to talk will change once married, its totally a win situation if everyone communicates.

  4. Kadija

    December 4, 2019 at 10:36 PM

    Interesting read, trust and communication is key. Great article! $KadijaRaddar

  5. AB

    December 4, 2019 at 11:24 PM

    Yassss sis, preach!!!

  6. Elizabeth ruiz

    December 9, 2019 at 10:10 AM

    I think it’s all about trust and respect. I believe that if someone is asking for you to forget your friends you should reconsider your relationship. Two people who love and respect each other will be able to be cool with you having friends from the past as long as all the cards are put out on the table and no funny business is taking place. My friends both male and female have adopted my fiancé into our circle and vice versa. I wouldn’t have it any other way $aliza217

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